why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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