A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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