Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
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how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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