I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
