Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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