if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
