I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
