i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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