my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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