I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
