I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
