The maid of honor just puked.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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