I CAN MOONWALK!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
