just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize