I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
