another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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