my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
