When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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