all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
