my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
