Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
