I'm going to jail i love you
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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