Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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