Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
