you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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