I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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