my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
