I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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