Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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