This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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