is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
