thus making me awesome and them whores
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
