I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
