I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
