If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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