god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
