I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
