I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
