if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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