i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
