So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
