Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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