i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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