it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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