I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
