I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
