if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
