So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
