1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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