Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
