i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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