Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
