then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
