I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
