it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
