I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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