I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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