We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
