I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
