I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
